Getting Through the Storms (My personal journey through the recent struggles in my life)

Have you ever felt so tired? I mean so tired that you knew something really had to be wrong with you? Well, this is how I have felt unfortunately for many, many years. I even took my suspicions to several doctors over the years but they never had any answers. It was so frustrating. I began thinking they must all think it is all in my head. It was then just over two years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 3 Breast Cancer and had 10 tumours removed. This cancer had been so aggressive that even all 13 of my lymph nodes had to be removed, although only 6 had been affected by this disease. The specialist said, she was not taking any chances because the area affected seemed just full of cancer and she was afraid to leave any of this mass behind.

I later recovered from cancer and I kept thinking now maybe I will get that energy back, after all this must be why I had been tired all the time. Well, that day never came. In fact, I had even gone through two full knee replacements and even after I had recovered from the two of them there was still no energy. I became increasingly frustrated, as I was also sleeping less and less. I would actually wake up every night feeling like I had never been to bed. These feelings grew and intensified in these last two years, so much so that I was requiring 1-2 naps in a day. Someone told me to try cutting out the naps and maybe I would sleep better at night but that never worked. I went back to having at least one nap because I knew this was getting harder on my body to even function at times. I was so missing sleep. What was it anyway? It had been so long, I almost forgot how good it was.

I was beginning to think I never would get my answer to that question because of this extreme problem of mine, that was until one day in the early of December something changed and from then on, my life changed. I had been cleaning over at my husband’s shop, where I had been exposed to lots of dust and mouse droppings. It was almost with the next 24-48 hours I became very sick with what appeared to be a sinus infection. I had experienced many throughout my 44 ½ years of life unfortunately. I got myself in to see my doctor and I was treated with antibiotics and I seemed to be getting better. It was then a few weeks later, I had been clearing out an old storage room, which was again infested with mouse droppings and plenty of dust. This time again I started experiencing signs of yet another painful sinus infection, I went again in to see my doctor and was given a different set of antibiotics and also a nasal spray which I was to take for the rest of the winter season as a precautionary measure to avoid having to be put on antibiotics, as we wanted to avoid developing the super bug.

This time the medication given by my doctor never worked, within 4 days I became increasingly ill, so much so that I became vomiting extensively for over a week. I knew something in my heart that something was very wrong with me. After, the four days of being on the antibiotics I decided I should get a hold of my doctor’s office and tell them that the medicine for some reason wasn’t working this time.

I then arranged to have a follow-up with my doctor for two days later.

Well, I never made it to that appointment, as the following night some new symptoms were taking face and that was extreme pressure and pain in my right sinus cavity and increasing stabbing pain in my right eye. It became so intense, that I felt like my head could literally explode. The pain was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I soon later began vomiting again and that’s when I woke my husband up telling him that I thought something must be desperately wrong with me.

We soon packed up and headed over the ER. I wasn’t there long before I again began vomiting which I think was due to the extreme pain I was in. I was later given an emergency CT scan where they began testing for bleeding around my brain. The tests fortunately came back negative but I wasn’t out of the woods yet, the emergency doctor insisted I see an eye specialist directly after leaving the hospital. I had asked when I need to set this all up and he told me it was already taken care of and that he had talked to the specialist himself and that they had agreed to see me as an emergency patient. My emergency doctor had then informed me if I didn’t go right away that I could lose my eye, due to all the extreme pressure that my eye was experiencing.

But just before I was being released I was put on oxygen. I thought to myself what was going on now? Not only was I put on the oxygen but on full strength, so much so that at first I started having trouble taking my first few breaths, as I felt I was almost struggling to keep up with the high doses of oxygen. The emergency doctor came over soon after explaining that the cluster headaches that he was diagnosing me with apparently can have some type of relief if given high doses of oxygen for 10-15 minutes at a time. Well, luckily for me it seemed to work as I had been begging the doctors and nurses when I had first come in if there was any way they could relieve the pressure in my eye because I literally had felt as though I could possibly lose my mind.

It was finally time to leave the ER, pick up some more pain meds and leave for home. When I went to leave, I became very worried as my 20/20 vision there was no longer, and my eyesight had been compromised from the pressure I had been experiencing all day.

It was all of a sudden that my life changed just like that. I was terrified, as I arrived at the specialist tears could not help but form in my eyes, everywhere I looked was beginning to look like a blur to me. I was soon later put through several tests that became real eye straining. I just wanted all this pain to end. Finally, I saw the eye specialist come into the room saying the testing went fine and said it was not glaucoma like they had first thought, but there was however some thinning in the optical nerve which could lead to this condition later. He then told me I was to have to visit his office 3 months later as a follow-up which would require a $195 test.

I left his office that day feeling a little better but still not totally relieved because I thought what would become of my eye sight. Would it always be this way? I didn’t want to think about it, I felt sick and very stressed out to this point.

The one night I was in so much pain that I was in tears, my 10 ½ year old son had walked into my room and took my hand to comfort me saying, “Mom I think we need to pray to GOD right now to take away some of your pain. He then recited the Our Father prayer. Carter, then had said something that surprised me, “Mom, I think this Christmas, GOD is going to give you a Christmas miracle.” (Later, in a way I was given that miracle when the meds I went on gave me loads of energy that I had so desperately had been lacking for so many years. This was like an answer to one of my prayers you could say.)

I went along the rest of the week to the best of my ability, but the pain in my sinus cavity and eye became increasingly more painful each day, especially during the night. By the time, it came to my Christmas party on December 21^st, another new symptom arose and I think it could have happened a few days before hand but it wasn’t until this Sunday after the party that my husband noticed the unusual symptom, my eye had moved off to the side and it appeared to not be moving. It was very creepy looking. When my husband had first mentioned this to me, I told him not to freak me out but when I looked in the mirror I was astonished and definitely freaked out to the horror I saw. I felt like I looked like a freak show.

I then made a few calls, to my friend who was a doctor, and to my nephew as he was dating an emergency room doctor from Toronto, Ontario and they both said that this needed attention and that this was not common with cluster headaches. I agreed that I would go back to the Emerg by morning, but I didn’t make it to then because the pain intensified so much that I could no longer keep it together. I woke up my husband once again in tears telling him that this situation was growing more serious and that something was desperately wrong with my eye and that I was worried about losing my eyesight.

We had soon made it over once again to the hospital where I saw yet another emergency room doctor and he told me that my right eye had paralysis in it. I then asked if there was anything he could do to help me and he said,” I can’t do anything for that.” I then asked if this was permanent and he still could not give me any useful information. He did not know and right then I just wanted to bawl. I couldn’t believe how just a few weeks prior I was fine and now my life had changed drastically in an instant and now it could be painfully changed for good.

The doctor then consulted with another emergency room doctor and they both agreed something was desperately wrong with me so they ran an emergency CT scan where they checked for an aneurysm and also blood clotting behind the right eye. The tests luckily both came back negative but then they became concerned that I may have had suffered a minor stroke. This thought never even crossed my mind. I knew in my heart something else was desperately wrong.

I was soon released from the hospital and was being sent for the following day to Windsor to see a neurologist first thing at 9 am the next morning.

When I met the specialist he told me that they thought I had MS but then he thought with the cluster headaches I was having that he no longer thought this was the diagnosis. He then asked me for my medical history, where I told him I had reoccurring sinus problems as well as painful headaches that would cause me vomiting, along with extreme exhaustion all the time.

Almost immediately, it was if a light bulb went off in the neurologist’s head. I could see he was on to something. It must have been something I said that triggered this response.

He then responded that he really thought that he knew what this was and that I was going to require yet another emergency CT scan for later that same evening. I tried getting out of it as I have heard the contrasting dye they use can damage the heart and kidneys and since I had issues with both in the past I wanted to avoid it. I also told him how claustrophobic I am and he said, “Well then I will prescribe you Ativan for that.” There was no avoiding this as the doctor would not take no for an answer. He said, “Diane, you cannot even wait until tomorrow. This needs to be done today. He also said, “Diane they did the wrong test. They tested the wrong side of your brain. This test needs to be done so they can check the other side of your brain. I am quite sure of this diagnosis because it sounds just like you. I then told him that I didn’t think the Chatham hospital would allow this procedure two days in a row because of the funding and then he said you need to have it here then instead. He talked to the diagnostic imaging department and the earliest they could get me in was for 10 pm that night. I told him that I couldn’t make it as I didn’t want my ride to have to wait that long, as she had her little son with her. They then asked if it was possible for my husband to bring me back and I said my husband had already taken so much time off work and he was so stressed that I hated to bother him once again.

I then called my cousin asking her to come pick me up from the hospital. I also proceeded by telling her what the doctor had said, and she responded by saying, “Oh Diane, I will wait, to be honest I have been so worried sick about you that I just want answers. If the doctor, wants this done you should listen to your doctor because he must think you need it.” I then got off the phone and told them that my cousin agreed to stay in the city to have this emergency procedure done.

Before I left the hospital, the doctor said he was so sure of his diagnosis that he was prescribing the antidote for it. I was to be put on 12 steroids a day for two weeks, and then reducing to 8 pills for the following two weeks prior. I told him I couldn’t go on those pills as I had to lose 45 lbs. for my upcoming breast reconstruction surgery and that I would gain from that. He said, “Diane you are definitely going to gain weight from this medication, but you really have no choice there is no other known remedy to help you.” Tears filled my eyes I was put up against a brick wall so to speak. He then wrote down, “Tolosa Hunt Syndrome” and told me to look it up on the internet. He said, “Diane this sounds just like you, I am sure of it. You will see when you read all the information yourself but we need to treat you now.

I then proceeded to the hospital pharmacy telling the pharmacist that I was apprehensive about taking these meds and she said they are for reducing inflammation and if my doctor gave it to me then I must be taking it because I really must need it.

I arrived several hours later back to the hospital for the further testing and I wasn’t finished until after 11 pm that Tuesday night.

I later researched what the doctor had diagnosed me with, “Tolosa Hunt Syndrome.” It did sound an awful lot like me but I later learned that this was not so in my particular case as something else was wrong with me. We just couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was at this moment.

I have to tell you these past few weeks have been extremely testing and the pain has become so intense at times that I feel I could literally lose my mind. I am embarrassed to say, that sometimes it was so horrific the pain that I secretly wished GOD would take me home so I would no longer be in any misery. I would never take my own life but at those moments I wanted GOD to take mine. I would tell myself this is crazy talk and that my four children still needed me. I thought I have already fought cancer, two knee replacement s and this was something else I needed to get through. I had to fight for my life, I just had to. Sometimes, I feel so drained from the pain, as it has been extremely consistent that I feel there is no break or light at the end of the tunnel. It is so hard at times that I don’t know how much more I can take. I have never in my life experienced so much intensifying pain. It feels as though I am in a nightmare and I can’t awake from it. This scares me to all end. At times, I feel like my life is now hopeless because I haven’t seen much improvement. Although, the one eye specialist I saw thinks my palsy in my eye is temporary and he expects a full recovery with two months to my eyesight.

When hope seems dim, it is the faith that will bring us light. Sometimes the pain can be so intense that we feel we can no longer go on. I hear you, because I am living through that right now but I refuse to give up but trudging forward with all the strength I have in me because I have learned life is so very precious to ever take for granted and beating cancer has proven that.

This is just one more obstacle or road bump in my life to get through. If you are suffering from cluster headaches or any other painful conditions, please don’t give up because where there is faith, there is always hope and you can get through this too.

I pray that any one reading this who is struggling with pain in their lives has a living miracle come out of it.

I know this is going to be a long road to recovery for me with my eyesight and all the pain I am enduring and that I could have relapses but I can make it through this too because GOD will always be there for us, even during these terrifying struggles.

Don’t let pain; take all your happiness away from you. This pain isn’t forever and one day you will see some relieve, just like I will hoping will be happening real soon for me.

At present, my life has to resolve around pain meds but I refuse to let my life be destroyed so I try to remain with a positive attitude even though that can be hard to manage to do at times,

But it is possible. We just need to count all the blessings around us and realize these struggles will make us stronger and that amazingly other blessings will come from these painful moments because faith can get us through because it is more powerful than evil.

This is where my story had originally ended, but then GOD had other plans in mind. This story was far from over, as I would later learn because my journey had just begun.

The rest of my story began on Sunday, December 21st of 2014. It all happened approximately 9:30 pm that evening. It was during that cold winter night that I started developing another type of pain, but this time it was coming from my right lower abdomen and my mid lower back. The pain would radiate from the front of my body to the back of my body and sometimes it would happen all at the same time. I have to tell you this pain was awfully tiring. I tried having my husband massage my lower back, but no matter hard he tried to help nothing was working. He told me if it continued we would later go to the hospital. Well, the pain not only stayed but intensified. It felt like constant gas pain that could not be released. It was just horrible!!! It was also on top of this that I kept feeling like I had to go number 2, but instead all that came out was large blood clots. This went on for hours and finally I had to awake my husband because the bleeding had worsened so much so that it changed from a bright red colour to a dark red. I had my husband get out of bed and look in the toilet.

He became extremely worried and had asked if this was the first time I had bled so much and I had told him that is what I was trying to tell him that I had been doing all night. “You have lost a lot of blood that we need to get you to the hospital then as soon as possible.”We then immediately drove to the hospital arriving on the morning of December 31^st. I only had to wait approximately 20 minutes, as they took me as priority in the waiting room because of all my blood loss. I could have haemorrhaged if it had continued.

The hospital immediately started running a series of blood work and the emergency room doctor on call that night ordered an emergency CT scan to be done. He then informed me that I was being admitted and that I would have to spend my New Years in the hospital, needless to say I wasn’t thrilled, as I had been looking forward to all week spending time with my family going to mass, dining out , bowling and watching movies. Something I haven’t done in such a very long time because of the pain I had in the past with my knees. I had finally undergone two knee replacements and so I would be able to enjoy the activities I had so missed doing, but as fate had it I had to skip those events I longed to do.

The doctor said at the time there were no beds but he said he didn’t care if I had to spend the night in one of the emergency rooms that I was not leaving, as I was not well at all.

That evening I had seen my emergency room doctor, an internist and a surgeon. The surgeon said he was going to see me that very next day for an emergency scope on my colon.

That day and evening instead of ringing in the New Year with one of my favourite beverages I was stuck drinking a prep drink for my emergency CT scan for that day, which I had to say was bad but not too bad tasting. The other prep drink which I had to ingest for my emergency scan to be done the next day on New Year’s, well that was a totally different ball game, that drink was HORRENDOUS!!!! In order for you all to get the picture of how bad this drink really was I will try and describe it in the best way I know how. Well, let’s just say it was like drinking dish soap with a touch of sugar and lots and lots of salt. It was so gross, I felt like I was being tortured in having to drink the entire large, plastic container of this stuff. The nurse on duty informed me that I needed it all gone by the evening or otherwise I would be spending my entire night in the bathroom. I had such difficulty with this second drink that I thought at times I would bring that nasty beverage back up, but luckily I had a dear friend who talked me through it, so I could finish this drink on time. I have to tell you I had tried plugging my nose, pretending it was not such a bad thing to drink and gobbling, which I have to say nothing really helped because that drink was just that bad. I begged GOD to help give me the strength to finally finish this sickening solution. I thought to myself whoever came up with this concoction must not have ever tried drinking it themselves or they would have at least tried to make it somewhat digestible and a little pleasurable.

It took me to approximately 10 pm that evening to finally finish that huge bottle of that dish soap drink.

It was later the next morning my nurse had asked me if I was passing clear stools and I told her that I hadn’t. The next thing I knew they were cancelling my emergency scope for that day and pushing it off until the next morning. I immediately wanted to cry inside because my thoughts went right away about thinking about that awful prep drink. There was no way I wanted to go through that twice, especially two days in a row. I again begged GOD, “please no; I can’t go through this all again.” It was just too gross and emotionally painful for me.

I had been originally cut off of my liquid meals because of the scope but because my procedure had been pushed off they proceeded to give me my meal. I have to say, it was not much of a meal because my liquid diet they had me on consisted of very bland beef broth, no noodles, yeah, that was not good. I also had coffee or tea, no milk, an ensure drink and my highlight of the day, jello or a Popsicle.

When I had been eating I told one of the nurses that go figure that I was finally excreting clear stools and now it had all been cancelled.

I had been in the middle of just starting to enjoy my popsicle, when all of sudden one of the nurses grabbed it from my hands asking what I was doing. “You can’t eat that you are having a scope today.” “What I said?” I can’t have it done now as I had a meal and part of a popsicle.” The nurse informed me that it was in fact a go ahead, as somehow the surgeon got wind that I was now passing clear stools.

Alleluia, thanks be to GOD!!!! I wasn’t going to have to drink that horrible drink again after all. I have to say I was more than thrilled about that.

After the procedure, it was later informed to me that both my CT scan and scope had both confirmed a diagnosis that I had “Ischemic Colitis.” I was then put on some anti-fungal/antibiotic pills for 5 days. I was to also continue with my liquid diet for another 48 hours, which I have to say I wasn’t very pleased about. I had been so looking forward to going home and going out for my date night with my husband, which we did so every Friday. I felt like I was being punished because that date night was something I so looked forward to every week and now this week it was getting somehow robbed from me.

That Sunday when I got to eat my first solid meal for the New Year, I have to say that I was thrilled; food had never tasted sooo good. I appreciated my breakfast that much more. It is true what they say, “You don’t know how good you have it until it is gone.” This saying was definitely true in my case. It really gave me some extra appreciation for eating solid foods.

When I was at the hospital two different doctors were on different sides about stopping my steroids for a day or two. The one thought it would be a good idea and the other thought it would be a terrible one and as it turned out I remained on the steroids not taking any breaks from it.

I had then questioned the nurse telling her I thought I was supposed to stop that pill, but she said the other doctor had changed the doctors’ orders on my medications. I also learned from the nurse that it was not an idea to stop this type of medication without being weaned from it or my body could go into shock because of it.

It was a week or so later I had saw my neurologist again in Windsor and he told me that my emergency MRI that I had at their hospital was still inconclusive, but he was still almost positive that I indeed had the disorder, “Tolosa Hunt Syndrome,” which affects one in a million.

I have to agree because when I had read up on the internet about this syndrome; well let’s just say I had every symptom listed. I felt in my heart of hearts he was right about this.

I then thought back to the conversation I had with the nurse the previous week at the other hospital about the weaning of the meds and so I asked my neurologist about getting a new prescription in being weaned from this medication. He said, not to worry and that he was referring me to another specialist, who specializes in both neurology and optometry and that he would take of the meds. He also said that the specialist would contact me in getting set up to visit him.

The sad thing is I never heard from that specialist and still haven’t heard from his office and now here I was down to only one day’s worth of pills. My gut feeling, spoke to me warning me just like it had in the past, which it had done so in the past when it had caught my cancer just in the nick of time.

It was telling me that I need to get in touch with someone who could write me the prescription needed to be weaned from these meds. I immediately listened to my gut feeling, as I have learned from my past as I have learned that this is gift given from GOD, as HIS way of communicating with us.

I had instantly called my family doctor to inform them of the emergency situation and the nurse told me that I was definitely right about this situation and that she would let my doctor know and call me the first thing the next morning, as I still had enough meds to hold me over until then.

The next day I received the call that I was to have to get in touch with my neurologist and that he needed to be the one to wean me from this medication. (He had originally gave me 12 pills a day for two weeks and then down to 8 pills a day for the following two weeks. The total pills I had to take then was 250.)

I called my neurologist’s office, only to find out that he wasn’t there and that he was out on a call. I began to panic, as I knew my situation was an extreme emergency. I thought I need to get this prescription filled fast because I had only a few days before the medication would totally wear off and I could possibly go into shock.

The receptionist told me to get in to touch with the pharmacy and have them fax the info and then the doctor would order me the new prescription that I needed.

I immediately then called the pharmacy I like to deal with, only to have them tell me that they couldn’t help me, as the prescription had not been filled there. I really then became in a panic mode. “What was I going to do now?” I thought, I didn’t feel comfortable driving on my own to Windsor. I then asked the pharmacist that if I gave the info, as in the phone number of the hospital pharmacy if they could take care of the rest. Luckily, he said, “Of course, I can Diane.”

I later received a call which I was so thrilled to receive and that was my prescription had been filled. I have to say that I was expecting maybe a week’s worth of pills but I ended up getting 305 more pills. WOW!!! I was to continue taking 8 steroids a day for 2 weeks, then 6 for 2 weeks and then finally 4 steroids for 4 weeks. I couldn’t believe how it took that many pills to wean from this medication. This just goes to show how important it is to listen to that gut feeling. Can you imagine if I hadn’t listened? The fact that I was given that many more of this medication just goes to show how weaning from this medication does take time and if I hadn’t listened I could have been in real big trouble.

The funny thing about this medication, is I had dreaded taking it in the beginning as I had been on 2 a day when I had gone through Breast Cancer in 2012 and back then I had gained lots of wait and because of it I had a swollen looking face because of all the fluid gain but this time around I was losing wait and getting loads and loads of energy. This is something I secretly prayed about, as I had been lacking energy for so very long. This goes to show that you just never know how our prayers may be answered, especially like in my particular case. It just goes to show that even in our struggles that blessings may come out of them.

My doctor said this is a first for her seeing someone lose weight on it because normally everyone always gains from it. Another thing I was secretly hoping for, weight-loss.

But according to all the specialists I have been seeing my case is a real unusual case, like nothing they have ever seen before and that is why they are all intrigued in getting down to the bottom of the rule cause of all these sudden illnesses coming to surface. I feel though that these illnesses had already existed and it is now that I am being looked at through a fine microscope they are catching all of these issues because the extreme exhaustion I had started way before my cancer in 2012. So for me being finally being diagnosed, giving me a reason for this extreme exhaustion became a blessing in disguise, something I had desperately have been waiting years for, finally “my answer.” This way I could finally get the help I so much needed to feel like my old self again.

These illnesses in fact turned out to be more of a blessing in the end because I am now getting my life back, a happier one full of energy to now enjoy what life has left to offer me to embrace and enjoy. The only thing missing now, is to get my eye to improve.

I have to tell you that I haven’t had this much energy as in ever. I was now feeling better and more energetic than I have had in years. This I realized was one of the answers to one of my prayers because I had prayed to GOD that one day I would have more energy and I had also had prayed that if HE could somehow make me less stressed about my very messy house because I could feel depression settling in because of it.

Now, here I was 3 weeks into the meds with loads and loads of energy decluttering and organizing my house. I even started labelling my cupboards and fridge. Lol

I have been even getting up in the wee hours of the night to clean because I have trouble sleeping.

I have to say that I never thought that day would come when I would have my house this organized. You see, GOD does truly answer our prayers and sometimes it is not in the way we shall expect it. I was also getting another prayer answered in losing weight, as I have to in order to have my breast reconstruction surgery done this year.

It is crazy sometimes how life is. It has been several struggles I have had to face these last two years but because of them many blessings came forward to me, you could say they came full force. I have to say I still have pain in my eye every night, so I still need to put an ice pack on nightly and my right eye is still paralysed but I keep telling myself, that this will soon end, as the eye specialists say this is only temporary and that they expect a full recovery in my vision in approximately two months.

I have had yet another obstacle and that is because my immune system has been run down that I have developed  a horrible cough that I am now on a puffer 4 times a day and a narcotic at night to help suppress my cough, so I am no longer keeping myself or my husband up all night.

I have just recently have now seen an ophthalmologist and I went through a series of special eye tests and it has been ruled out that I even have Tolosa Hunt Syndrome, even though the symptoms sounded so very like mine. He also ruled out palsy too. I told him that the pain in my right eye has become increasingly more painful these last few days. He then checked the pressure in my eye which appeared to be normal, but he did however notice that my right eye was bulging and that one of the nerves in that eye had inflammation, which would contribute to the pain that I had been experiencing.

The specialist then put some special drops in my eye to test for something else and told me that I needed to come back in an hour so he could further determine what was going with me.

It was during this time, he studied my MRI results I had given him from the CD I had brought from my hospital back home.

When the hour was up, I had asked the specialist if he noticed something out of place with my MRI and he said he indeed had. He said he had even went downstairs to discuss his findings with the radiologists and they both had agreed that something was not right with one of the particular nerves in my right eye.

They said it looked like a “right medial rectus abnormality.”

He also said he had no idea if this issue with my eye was going to be permanent or temporary. After, this sudden blow, I could not keep the tears from rolling down my face.

There was no real answer for me. It felt like just when things were looking up for me, and then all of sudden things were taken right from underneath me. It felt like a painful twist of fate. Life sure didn’t feel fair at this moment, as my hopes were dashed once again from me.

I then later learned I was being sent to yet another specialist who specializes in that part of the inner eye. The specialist also told me of his suspicions and that I may have thyroid disease, which may have been caused from my Breast Cancer or the treatments I had for them. There was also the rare possibility I may have cancer in the eye. He then said that I may have to have a biopsy done on the right eye to rule this out. He thought this was highly unlikely that cancer was actually the case. The thought of anyone taking a small section out of the corner of my eye to be biopsied made me feel extremely ill inside. The ophthalmologist said that the other specialist might take one look at me and say it is a thyroid disease and avoid the biopsy altogether, at least one can hope so with someone in my case. He said, I am also going to require yet another MRI but this time focusing on the inner eye. This will be at least my fourth one in a one and half month period of time, which seems so crazy to me, not to mention having 18 vials of blood taken from me in these last three weeks, so the doctors could further figure out what was going on with me.

The news I received that day discouraged me and made me feel like my life was almost hopeless. It was so very hard fighting the depressing feelings that were at that moment overwhelming me. I felt like I was being suffocated and it also felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel like everyone always says.

These experiences I have had to face I would not wish on anyone. They have not only been physically draining but emotionally draining for me as well. I still sometimes cry at the drop of the hat.

I realize I need to look deeper at the blessings that are right there in front of me. It is true what they say, “you don’t realize how good you have it until it is gone.” Well, this is indeed so very true. I really miss having my eye just being “normal.”

I also realize even more so that our looks shouldn’t be as important as they are for the most of us. When people look at me, I have actually been told that my eye is gross and that some people have a hard time looking at me because of it.

I know these people are not trying to be rude and they are not thinking of how they are sounding, but it really hurts to hear those painful words.

The thing is my outer appearance may have changed, but I am still the same loving person that I have always been; I have to admit I now dread even looking at myself in the mirror, as it is so very painful for me. I no longer resemble the person I was just a short time ago, instead the image in the mirror is of someone now that I barely recognize.

We all need to look beyond one’s outer appearance and look deeper at their inner beauty as to allow it to shine brightly through.

I want all of you the next time you find yourself judging someone on their outer appearance that you try and look deeper, giving that person a much deserved chance. Who knows, they could be the most amazing friend or person brought into your life, that you may have never thought about giving them a chance before and you could be so glad that you now did.

I have tried to look at the brighter side and to make light at what I have been going through, so when people joke about calling me, “Patch” or “Pirate” I just laugh and say I ought to get myself a stuffed parrot for my shoulder.

It is now almost everywhere I go, people stare and in fact even today at “Toys R Us” a child told his mom that I was a “pirate.” His mother looked embarrassed and informed him that I wasn’t. I chuckled and answered the little boy’s questions. After all, he was just being inquisitive like any child at that age would be.

I have to say despite all this pain and struggles I have been through that my blessings far outweigh all that I have had to endure because you see it is because of all my diagnoses I am finally getting my life back. It is just not the way I would have pictured this all coming about. I actually one day thanked GOD for my struggles because these challenging and hard times have taught me a lot about the importance of just how precious our lives truly are and how precious each day we have left on this earth really is.

The important message I want all of you to get from sharing my story is not to feel sorry for me, but to realize that we all have struggles or storms in life, and obviously not usually as many as I have had but we can all rise above them even when those moments at times seem so bleak and come out stronger and more blessed than we ever thought possible.

So the next time you are faced with adversity, don’t look at all the negative in the situation, but at the blessings that will later come out from it, as this rough patch in your life won’t last forever because GOD promises us all a brighter future, just like the rainbow after a rain, for there is colour in our lives, something brighter to look forward and not only darkness.

That is why we need to hang on and never give up because those blessings I have been talking about are waiting just for us to enjoy, but we need to just be patient longer as GOD answers those prayers for each of us.

Written By: Diane Van Bommel

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Fighting the Storm

Sometimes life can change in an instant,

Mine sure did.

It happened so quickly that my body’s illness

Has been hard to get rid;

Just when things started looking up for me,

My hopes were soon dashed

And it was just pain that I now see.

I no longer had any answer of what was to become

Of my future now to be;

It made me feel like giving up

Because life felt so hopeless now;

What was there to look forward in life anyhow?

I told myself life is worth every struggle

We may need to have to face,

Because GOD promises us a future

With HIS undying grace;

Things may not be perfect in our lives,

As one would soon realize;

But, hanging on fighting will bring us a brighter

Future that can be enlightening;

“Don’t give up!!!”

I keep telling myself,

“Keep up the fight!!!”

Life is worth every effort

And my faith will restore that light.

Written By: Diane Van Bommel

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❤ NOTE: I have a second blog site which I have several writings

on that cover several different topics,

such as depression, loss of a loved one and many cheerful writings too. ❤

Here is a direct link to the site:

http://www.divbblog.wordpress.com

❤ There are many cheerful poems and music from You Tube

that I have recently added to this second site that will bring you a smile. 🙂

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(This music video by: Katy Perry, “Roar,” is taken from Youtube.com)

 

• Posted in: Getting Through the Storms (My personal journey through the recent struggles in my life)